Welcome to my diary. Be warned that nothing here is accompanied by a trigger warning. It is the unfiltered talking space of someone who, in a word, "is fucked up". This isn't a happy or relaxing page! Proceed only if your curiosity outweighs any discomfort with dark topics.
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3.6.2023
Lyric of the Day: One night and one more time / Thanks for the memories / Even though they weren't so great / "He tastes like you, only sweeter"
...
The PowerPoint I made about autistic representation went really, really well! I got complimented for it a lot. And the teacher watching over the club said that the way that I talked during that PowerPoint is how graduate students talk! It made me so happy!
While I was waiting outside for my mom to come and pick me up that day, the same guy who tried to get me to come to his church approached me again to say 'hi'... While I was visibly reading the book visibly titled, "Has The Gay Movement Failed?", with a rainbow cover. I don't know if he saw it or not, but I hope that he did, because that would be funny.
My mom recently told me that my little brother, while practicing driving, popped a tire, so he had to help my dad replace it in the garage. Apparently, on his way out, I started audibly pacing upstairs (which I do to stim while listening to music), and he sighed and went, "I wish (my name) would come out to the garage with me..." And when my mom asked, "What? Why?", he said, "She wouldn't let Dad yell at me." Which, to be fair, is true, I don't let our dad yell at him, but also the story made me happy.
Speaking of my brother, he recently got a sinus infection. It was one that was hitting a particular nerve that made the pain SUPER bad. He was sobbing hysterically from the pain, and, mind, he's a teen boy, so, that's like. Woah. By the time I found out, he was already in the hospital, and passed out, thankfully. He slept right through the pain while the antibiotics set in, which was good.
Back in school, a few days later, I did a group poem analysis on my own for English. I do all group assignments on my own, whenever possible. (It's the autism.) Anyhow, during class, someone else said that they did the same thing, and they struggled with it. The teacher responded, "You should have done it in a group then! You could have split up the poems. Now, some of you-" She motioned to me. "- have no problem." People looked at me when she motioned to me, and it was kind of embarrassing, but it's nice to be a teacher's pet for once. (Teachers hate her, and 8 other facts!)
Anyway, now it's time for your regular "transphobia is becoming more rampant by the day" check-in! Daily Wire's host, Michael Knowles, said that "there can't be a genocide" of trans people, because "it's not a legitimate category of being... They're a laboring under a delusion. And so we need to correct that delusion." Which, I mean, me, personally? That line of thinking sounds like a certain mustached man. But, you know, it's not like, "Those perceived as 'different' are treated with no form of human rights or personal dignity," is stage four of the ten stages of genocide, as described by the Holocaust Memorial Day Trust. Am I right, gamers? Nope, there can't be a genocide on trans people because they're inherently lesser beings! Don't even worry about it.
... So anyway, the English version of LEGO Monkie Kid's season 4 aired!! This wait was a LOT shorter than the last one, thankfully. The dub is really good, and the new VA for Macaque (since his previous one passed away) is also great! The season 4 specials should be out next.
You know, I really think that ink Red Son, Demon Bull King and Princess Iron Fan would be a really good chance to finally actually, properly resolve the mental abuse that Red Son went through at the hands of his parents in season 1. Maybe actually get a proper apology from them. I really, really hope they go that route. This is, like, the PERFECT opportunity!! But, with how avoidant they've been with addressing it already... I somehow doubt it.
Oh, well... What can ya do.
3.12.2023
Lyric of the Day: Lying awake sweating, I changed my pajamas / The clock hands point to midnight / This song's been going for a minute or so / How many years have you been alive?
...
Yesterday and today have been awful. My mental health is getting bad again. I slept all day today. I woke up at 11pm... And after all that sleep, all I want to do is just sleep some more... I don't want to be conscious...
Ughh...
3.17.2023
Lyric of the Day: Easy, easy, envy all you need / Dancing on, without a clue... / "She's been a very blind girl"
...
So, my depression episode is thankfully fading! It's not over with, but I can see the light. I'm at least able to write coherently again, and I really should be using this ability to document some more transphobic shit that happened, specifically involving a ton of leaked emails, but right now I'm thinking about something in particular, so that's what you're going to get in tonight's entry. And this is going to get sickeningly sincere, so sorry in advance.
I'm thinking, right now, about the type of media and characters that people get attached to. Especially in their teens and young adulthood. I recently watched a video that coined the term "traumabitch". In essence, a traumabitch is the type of character you see have an on-screen mental breakdown and think, 'Yeah, I'm gonna make them my private Twitter icon.' The kind of character you love for all the ways that they are dysfunctional and flawed. A traumabitch has trauma you can relate to, has rage that is cathartic (even if it's supposed to be morally incorrect), and is, in some ways, a power fantasy. Think along the lines of Lain, Chrona Souleater, or basically any of a big handful of Danganronpa characters (namely Kokichi Ouma, Mikan Tsumiki and Nagito Komaeda come to mind).
When I list out these platonic ideals of the traumabitch, what do they have in common? Well, probably that they all regularly appear on those "never trust a bitch who kins these mfs, worst mistake of my life" memes. These characters that end up being considered "cringe" and memed into oblivion, and I don't think that's a coincidence. I think that, in fact, it's a cause-and-effect. Young people will grow attached to these traumabitches, because this particular brand of character tends to make young people (especially depressed / neurodivergent young people) feel seen. They're power fantasies, it's cathartic to identify with their victimhood, it's a relief to project your feelings onto a character and externalize the pain and panic of youth and growing up. But, because of that, these characters become associated with young people, and their earnest (read: "cringe") ways of expressing themselves and their pain.
So many of the characters that people online consider "cringe" now are because teenagers grew attached to them, in attempts to do the best that they could with the resources they had to cope with and express their emotions. And I think that this finally put into words why I've always held this affinity for the traumabitch. People going through hard times who hold characters dear, free from irony poisoning, writing shitty angsty gay fanfic and making black and white MS Paint vent comics to try and work through the inherent terror of living... That's the shit I love. That sort of pure, unadulterated creativity, born from raw emotion...
And then I got to thinking: given the definition that was just given, who are my traumabitches? The answer I got immediately upon asking myself this is Catra. Catra, of course it's Catra. THE bona fide character who I love for all the ways that I hate I can relate to her. From the power fantasy to the cathartic rage to the relatable trauma, Catra ticks off all the boxes. I really do think she's the character who, to me, exemplifies the traumabitch.
However, going back to earlier memories... I think that many of the angry Pokemon rivals were traumabitches for me (Silver, Gladion). Hunter Noceda and Travis Phelps are a bit weird to admit to, as I am them, but I also definitely think the way that I at least treat their media counterparts qualifies as traumabitchdom. ESPECIALLY Travis nowadays; good Lord, you don't want to see the amount of unpublished vent fanfic I've written starring him.
I think it's so interesting, the characters and media that people (not just young people, but people of any age) get attached to for how they helps them express our pain. I'm proud of us.
3.18.2023
Lyric of the Day: First time he kissed a boy / He had never, never known / "Cover up," is what they told / Feels so cold
...
Okay, back to logging my life proper!
I've taken on another zine project! This one is one I'm calling "Oops! All Autistic!", after that "Oops! All Berries!" meme, and it's about autistic characters in animation. As-of my time of writing this, we're in the stage of accepting moderator applications. But it's a little odd, because there's a pretty clear imbalance in applications. We're looking for four moderators; an artist mod, a writer mod, a graphics mod and a formatting mod. And the thing about it is, if push comes to shove, I could hypothetically do all of these things for myself, except for formatting. I really don't have the skills needed there. But, so far, we have SEVEN applications for the writing moderator, two for the art moderator, and zero for the graphics moderator and the formatting moderator. Which is kind of stressful. Again, if we get no graphics mod applications, I'll take that up myself, but I dunno what I'm gonna do if we end up with a grand total of zero formatting moderator applications by the end of the application period. I'll probably talk to the accepted mods, see if any of them could take that on in addition to their other task, or if any of them know anyone who we could scout for the project. And if not, I guess we'll just have to extend the moderator application period! Which isn't ideal, but also not a huge deal.
And, in regards to autistic personal projects, I'm also doing a poll on autism and alterhumanity! Othercon 2023 (the virtual otherkin convention) is coming up, and I wanna do a panel for the first time! I spoke to those in charge of the convention, and they said that they only reject panelists who break the code of conduct in some way, the submission is inappropriate or a troll submission, or who happens to somehow be the exact same thing someone else is already covering. Thankfully, no experience required, and, in their words, rejection is pretty rare! The poll that I'm doing regarding alterhumanity and autism is to be used to create my panel. My hypothesis is that autism and how autistic people are viewed by society at large means that autistic people are more likely to identify as alterhuman and, more specifically, nonhuman. I plan to bring up the cultural relation of autistic people being compared to robots, and the history of parents accusing their children of being fake humans due to their disability (such as in the case of changelings and starseeds).
I recently created a Nookazon account! I wanna complete my New Horizon home's upstairs room, which is witch-themed, so I thought I should get to trading. I've also been keeping a tab open lately to a site that plays the Animal Crossing hourly music in real time, which has actually been really good for my mood!
I also pulled Neo Champion Bede in Pokemon Masters! I actually pulled him two times in an 11x pull, and then, that pull was the one that put me over the edge in Scout Points, so I ended up pulling him three times in one pull after struggling for, like, weeks. I'm trying to pull Neo Champion Hop now! (I also spent 60 dollars but it's my first and only time I'm going to spend money on a gacha and I already have purchase guilt okay I'M SORRY I'M S-)
I decided to replay Milk inside a bag of milk inside a bag of milk and its sequel, and something about it hit harder this time, and I related to the main character a lot. I guess I was mostly confused the first time I played, and mostly creeped out. But this time, I focused more on what it all meant, and I ended up relating to the main character a lot (who the creator and fandom has taken to calling "Milk-chan"). Milk-chan in-game says that she doesn't want to be labeled as any sort of diagnosis, which I understand, but I looked up what the creator said on the subject anyway, just because I was curious about the intentions when writing her story, and she is intended to have OCD, an unspecified personality disorder, schizophrenia, and autism. The schizophrenia, I totally expected, and I suspected OCD as well, but I was pleasantly surprised with the autism diagnosis. (Although, admittedly, I had hoped for that.)
Through that lens, it makes sense why I related to her so much this go-around. I've learned more about how hard navigating the world as an autistic adult is since the last time I played. Making friends is hard, keeping a job feels impossible, cooking for yourself means you eat the same things over and over, and being messy, easily-overwhelmed and forgetful all comes with the territory. Everyday tasks feel like huge ones, and living your life as an autistic person can be incredibly stressful and super draining. Other people are like aliens to you, you can't recognize them and they don't bother to try and accommodate you. I feel very lost in adulthood. I'm not a teen anymore, but I still live with my parents, and they say they're understanding but whenever we get into fights, they threaten to kick me out, which hangs over my head constantly. I want to get a job, but the job application process is like it's specifically designed to be hell to autistic people. I can't drive because I didn't get enough practice hours in when I was 16, and I can feel my mom's impatience with that. I don't want to be a burden to them, but I don't know what else to do. The future isn't going to come all at once, and I have to take it one day at a time, but it's still so lonely and overwhelming.
Related to that thought, I decided, after a conversation with my boyfriend about how I can kind of be a doormat, that I wanted to try again to look into the local political scene to see if I could get invested into LGBT+ and disability activism properly. So I tried to look up local political clubs and stuff near me!
... Aaand then the three results were the "(My Area) Liberty Meetup", "(My Area) Republican Club", and an "American Liberty Club" about American pride.
I literally live in the deep South. I don't know what I expected. But it's still super fucking annoying to see.
Now you're all caught up with the recent happenings! So, I'll go into the current "America is a transphobic hellscape and life is a nightmare" update in the next entry, as its own dedicated little section!
3.12.2023
Lyric of the Day: Lying awake sweating, I changed my pajamas / The clock hands point to midnight / This song's been going for a minute or so / How many years have you been alive?
...
Yesterday and today have been awful. My mental health is getting bad again. I slept all day today. I woke up at 11pm... And after all that sleep, all I want to do is just sleep some more... I don't want to be conscious...
Ughh...
3.17.2023
Lyric of the Day: Easy, easy, envy all you need / Dancing on, without a clue... / "She's been a very blind girl"
...
So, my depression episode is thankfully fading! It's not over with, but I can see the light. I'm at least able to write coherently again, and I really should be using this ability to document some more transphobic shit that happened, specifically involving a ton of leaked emails, but right now I'm thinking about something in particular, so that's what you're going to get in tonight's entry. And this is going to get sickeningly sincere, so sorry in advance.
I'm thinking, right now, about the type of media and characters that people get attached to. Especially in their teens and young adulthood. I recently watched a video that coined the term "traumabitch". In essence, a traumabitch is the type of character you see have an on-screen mental breakdown and think, 'Yeah, I'm gonna make them my private Twitter icon.' The kind of character you love for all the ways that they are dysfunctional and flawed. A traumabitch has trauma you can relate to, has rage that is cathartic (even if it's supposed to be morally incorrect), and is, in some ways, a power fantasy. Think along the lines of Lain, Chrona Souleater, or basically any of a big handful of Danganronpa characters (namely Kokichi Ouma, Mikan Tsumiki and Nagito Komaeda come to mind).
When I list out these platonic ideals of the traumabitch, what do they have in common? Well, probably that they all regularly appear on those "never trust a bitch who kins these mfs, worst mistake of my life" memes. These characters that end up being considered "cringe" and memed into oblivion, and I don't think that's a coincidence. I think that, in fact, it's a cause-and-effect. Young people will grow attached to these traumabitches, because this particular brand of character tends to make young people (especially depressed / neurodivergent young people) feel seen. They're power fantasies, it's cathartic to identify with their victimhood, it's a relief to project your feelings onto a character and externalize the pain and panic of youth and growing up. But, because of that, these characters become associated with young people, and their earnest (read: "cringe") ways of expressing themselves and their pain.
So many of the characters that people online consider "cringe" now are because teenagers grew attached to them, in attempts to do the best that they could with the resources they had to cope with and express their emotions. And I think that this finally put into words why I've always held this affinity for the traumabitch. People going through hard times who hold characters dear, free from irony poisoning, writing shitty angsty gay fanfic and making black and white MS Paint vent comics to try and work through the inherent terror of living... That's the shit I love. That sort of pure, unadulterated creativity, born from raw emotion...
And then I got to thinking: given the definition that was just given, who are my traumabitches? The answer I got immediately upon asking myself this is Catra. Catra, of course it's Catra. THE bona fide character who I love for all the ways that I hate I can relate to her. From the power fantasy to the cathartic rage to the relatable trauma, Catra ticks off all the boxes. I really do think she's the character who, to me, exemplifies the traumabitch.
However, going back to earlier memories... I think that many of the angry Pokemon rivals were traumabitches for me (Silver, Gladion). Hunter Noceda and Travis Phelps are a bit weird to admit to, as I am them, but I also definitely think the way that I at least treat their media counterparts qualifies as traumabitchdom. ESPECIALLY Travis nowadays; good Lord, you don't want to see the amount of unpublished vent fanfic I've written starring him.
I think it's so interesting, the characters and media that people (not just young people, but people of any age) get attached to for how they help them express our pain. I'm proud of us.
3.18.2023
Lyric of the Day: First time he kissed a boy / He had never, never known / "Cover up," is what they told / Feels so cold
...
As promised, it's time to update you on the current transphobic legislature goings-on. In which the TLDR is... Maia has done it again! Our favorite transbian therian hacktivist leaked 2,600 PAGES of hateful emails. Maia, herself, is not the source of these leaks. She merely published them, as they were previously only available to certain journalists, and it felt like they needed to be seen by all.
These leaked emails basically confirmed what trans people have been saying this whole time: right-wingers have been launching a concerted effort to strip all trans people (not just children) of their constitutional, legal, civil, and human rights; effectively enacting a form of genocide to eliminate the ability of any transgender person to exist in society. This conspiracy (again, unsurprisingly) included Republican lawmakers, religious groups and anti-LGBT+ hategroups. As revealed in these emails, they have been working to manufacture moral panic, in order to secure more Republican votes.
It's almost poetic, how all of this dropped, like, one day after Matt Walsh claimed, "Trans people started this." Within a handful of hours, it was proved that it WAS just conservatives actively looking for a minority to demonize. And, likewise, it's poetic that the freakshows claiming that they're going against "the woke mob" and being counter-cultural by not accepting trans people ended up being the exact people who fell for government propaganda, and doing exactly what the government wanted them to do. Chef's kiss.
Here is a collection of my personal favorite quotes:
- Fred Deutsch consulted email chain, asking for someone to debunk an ACLU statement about how accepting trans children reduces their suicidality. "We will need to respond to the suicidal thoughts quote. Who is the best qualified on our team? Bernie?" I don't think I need to explain how, if any sort of 'study' about a minority, by people who don't like that minority, with the explicit intention to get a certain result... That's unethical, baby!
- Kelsey Coalition argued that parents should be able to veto a trans person changing their birth certificate. Cretella says, "Yes. This must be personalized! Stories - not facts - move people to act!"
- I just need to re-emphasize that, in case you missed it. The people behind the transphobic legislation. This whole anti-trans panic... "STORIES. NOT FACTS."
- Dr. Michael Laidlaw states, "It is an ultimate, long-term goal of mine to make sure that the Endocrine Society is embarrassed, publicly humiliated, and sued mercilessly by the many detransitioners, and particularly those harmed as children and adolescents by their low to no quality evidence guidelines." ... Holy fuck, again, do I even NEED to say anything here?? Making a huge goal be to specifically, statedly PUBLICLY HUMILIATE an organization that, what? Helps trans people transition easier? Furthermore, William Malone states, "What Mike said. It might take years, but we're going to get them." Horrifying.
- Let's see if you know your history! In this chain of emails, they deliberately use the phrase "separate but equal" to refer to how they want the 'sexes' to be treated by law. Do YOU know where else that's been used? Vote on your phones now!
In the meantime, my sweet home Texas has released a bounty hunter drag ban! $5,000 bounty for hunters if a person performs while "exhibiting a gender that is different from gender recorded at birth" and "violates the community standards of decency."
Horrible! Horrible! Terrible, and don't even bother seeing me after class.
In similar, but not trans-related news... The Internet Archive lost their case against 4 major publishing houses. Which they're gonna appeal! But holy fuck, what an awful outcome. The fate of YEARS of archiving and, perhaps, the internet as a whole, is hanging in the balance because 4 multibillionare publishing groups lost out on, like, 2 bucks during the pandemic because of archive's online library service. It's so, so fucking stupid. If the Internet Archive goes down, the cultural loss will be immeasurable, and greater than any library burning in history. I donated a little bit of money to the Internet Archive in wake of this news. It relies entirely on funding, and I can only imagine it'll need a lot more to not only fight this case, but to keep the archive up while it happens.
I am aware that my archiving of the current transphobic legislature could be disagreeable to some. I'm sure my general politics are, as well. But if there's one things that, we, as netizens, can agree on... Something that crosses all ideological barriers, all manners of political alignment, no matter our age, where we live or personal preferences... Be us a stan, a 'chan, or a tran'... It is, without a single shadow of a doubt:
Man. FUCK those 4 publishing houses.
