Hi! So, you've found my secret page. Congratulations! In exchange for your hard work, I will tell you a secret.
As my numbers on Neocities grow higher and higher, I begin to fear being idolized. That's how it is on any social platform. Right? I'm no stranger to idolizing those I see online. But, I am not someone you want to be. I am likely not someone you'd even want to meet.
I've hurt so many people. I have such a horrifying temper. I transform into this monster I can't even recognize, and tear apart the ones I love most. I regularly indulge in things that I find morally reprehensible, and I am habitually both an over- and under-achiever.
I'm mentally ill and mentally disabled. I still live with my parents as an adult. I don't have a job, and I don't want one, either. Partially because I'm lazy, but also because I have no idea what I want to be. I want to do so much, but when I try to even do a fraction of it, when it involves IRL spaces, I get overwhelmed and shut down so easily. Even among other disabled people, I'm seen as pathetic.
I'm just an internet-addicted queer, trying desperately to escape my depressing real life through the internet.
On the internet, I can accomplish things. I can be loved. And for all I talk about hating social media, I still desperately crave the validation of numbers, going up, higher, higher...
And never high enough. Because numbers can't erase the knowledge that I am a fundementally broken person, destined to break anyone and anything I try to love.
I am a wretch. A fallen angel. A deeply sad and pathetic individual with a victimhood complex.
So, I plead to whoever reads this... Please, don't idolize me.
Please, see me. I need you to see me. I need to be seen. Look at what I do. Isn't it lovely? My website. My art. My writing. My editing, my, my, my...
I pour all my energy into it, leaving me a husk for the actually important things. So please, for the love of God, see it. Don't look away, just because I told you the truth.
But also, no matter how far up those numbers go, on any platform, don't idolize me.
I am the type of person that you would become only in a nightmare.