8.11.2023
Lyric of the Day: I would take a bullet for you, just to prove my love / Only to find out you are the one holding the gun
...
Well, first of all, season 2 of Good Omens has emotionally destroyed me, so jot that down.
It might seem so silly. Especially when Neil Gaiman has been out here, saying that it was a love story for years. But for so many years now, queer media like this has felt unattainable. Like a pipe dream. It's NOT a happy moment in the show, their kiss, but fuck, it's cathartic, for the queer fans who have been told for years by cishets that we're seeing something that's not there.
It's a similar sort of feeling to Our Flag Means Death, but something about it was different. Better. I imagine it's like Bridget Guilty Gear. In both cases, their original release had the subtext, the groundwork, but were not explicit. And then a later addition. A confirmation. It's the initial uncertainty and confirmation that makes it so cathartic. And it's that sort of buildup-relief that makes things like Bridget's staying power in the trans community, and Good Omens' explosive popularity.
Either way. It's emotionally destroyed me. I will blow up the world if we don't get a season 3.
Though, I will say, it's annoying to see fandom tumblr treating the way that Good Omens treats homophobia as morally superior. This whole trend of "portraying homophobia in fictional / fantasy worlds is problematic" as a talking point makes me want to tear my hair out. I love, love, love stories that portray internalized homophobia, because that was me. That's the world that I lived in. Live in. To reflect on the harm that we are caused in the real world... That is not harmful. There is something to be said for queer escapist fiction. But the solution is not, "We need less homophobia in queer fiction." Like all queer media discourse, the solution ends up being, "We need more queer media. Enough queer media to make there something for everyone."
A V-Tuber that I like, Andou, recently did a Neocities stream, and it was super fun!! He ran across my site and explored it a bit, and it was really flattering, ehehe. She's one of my favorite streamers, so it was so fun! I love to see the web revival movement getting bigger and getting more attention!
As for my real life, I recently completed a game jam!! The Mini-Jame Gam #20, with the prompts 'organ (the instrument)' and 'out of time'. I decided, with the help of Verdant, to make a visual novel about a terminally ill boy who obsessively cares for his church's organ. I also, of course, made the two characters queer-coded, and the story have coded queer shame elements. Because I can never NOT. I'm so proud of it!!! Like, SO proud of it!! I want to talk about it with everyone!! And for people to ask me about the characters!! And! BAH! Everyone who I worked with was great, too! It was such fun!!
I am also currently writing this around an hour and a half before I'm going to give my panel at Othercon!! The one I mentioned in my March diary entries; the one on alterhumanity and autism that I did a poll for. AHH! I'm so excited but so nervous...! I'm not really good at speaking for long periods of time... But I have water and cough drops and also a script for the majority of the panel. So! Hopefully, that means it'll be okay! I put a lot of love into the panel, so I hope everyone will like it!!
8.18.2023
Lyric of the Day: You said you're always on my side / But what if my side has changed too much? / Then tell me, who am I?
...
When I cry, I like to cry a lot. Lately.
I like to dip my hand into how I feel and pull some out and look at it, like water from the ocean. I like to see how it feels, and observe, because I think that it's the closest I can come to observing the realest, rawest version of myself.
I'm living with my parents. My brother's room is next door. I can't cry too much or too loud, because someone will hear me, and I'd have to explain it away and soothe their worries. It's exhausting and performative and it's the only thing stopping me from letting myself sob about the beauty and ugliness in what I feel.
I want to leave my home in part so that I can fall to my knees and be wracked with grief and love, and cry and cry and vocalize all I need, what I need.
I don't know. Is this true enough to write down?
8.22.2023
Lyric of the Day: These crosses all over my body / Remind me of who I used to be / Let Christ forgive these bones I've been hiding / Oh, and the bones I'm about to leave
...
WHEW. I am exhausted. Yesterday was my first day back at college... I was SO nervous that I would get that old, mean teacher who made a pedophilia joke on the first day for my biology class again, because that's what I got last time. Thankfully, this time, my biology teacher seems really nice! There's also a supplemental instruction leader (which is basically like a student teacher, but not), who had a lovely, thick Southern accent. She also came from a school where the chemistry teachers were found out to be making meth in the chemistry lab. Girl, you lived through the plot of Breaking Bad.
My drawing teacher seems really nice, too! There was this REALLY awesome person there. He was wearing all black and red, had dyed red streaks in his hair, and had black and red kandi bracelets... Then during break SHE approached ME to check the Shadowpeach charm on my backpack! I mentioned running a fansite for the show, and he gave me his boyfriend's Neocities, and so I found both of 'em online. They're both so cool!! Her boyfriend uses neopronouns, too, which means that this is the first person I've known in real life who supports neos. They're also doing this cool archival project together... So rad!!! I wish I could be cool like them.
My other class is Human Sexuality! It was something my Sociology teacher recommended, and I'm super excited for it! Even though it's online.
The main downside to the current schedule is that one of them starts at 10am... I always do my best to make sure that my classes don't start until past 11am, so I can mostly sleep in... I've been naturally waking up kind of early nowadays, so that's good at least, but still. My day on Wednesday makes me busy, for, like, ever. From 10am to 6pm... With a small break in between, mind, but still, that's, like, the same amount of time I was at school in high school!! And Heaven knows that I couldn't keep up my attention span that long. I'd rather this than having to go to school more days for shorter times, but still.
In the meantime... I set up an RSS feed! It rules! So many more things than you'd think have an RSS feed. I'm super happy with it. I also caved and got Neocities supporter, basically exclusively to have a custom URL. I chose macaque.moe, because of the alliteration, and because it was pretty cheap~! I had a little trouble setting it up, because I was silly and made a mistake, but otherwise I've been super happy with it!
Also, the other day, I was talking with my mom. I began to say, "I'm not religious anymore, but..." and my mom said, "Don't say that to me." Which made me feel... Really weird and bad. Dredged up some old religious trauma types of feelings... Mm.
I've never talked with her. About her religion. About how it's hurt me. About how religion hurts for me now, because of her, and her husband, and... Everything. Because it's precious to her, I know.
And she's disappointed that I'm not Christian. I know.
She doesn't even try to hide it, that she's disappointed. And it's not a good feeling. For me. I can't imagine it's a good feeling for her, either. I wish I could try and explain everything to her, why little things like that, hurt me so much. But in order to do that, I'd have to tell her how she's hurt me. And that would hurt her... And I don't think I want to do that. But sometimes I do. Sometimes I want to scream in her face about how badly she hurt me. How bad Christianity has hurt me. Does she see my pain? Or does she see me as someone who needs to be 'led back towards the light'?
What am I to her? In the context of religion?
Someone who needs to either say that I'm Christian, or not talk at all, apparently.
Anyway. I wrote "watch LEGO Monkie Kid" on the community art wall that was outside of the drawing classroom. If LEGO won't advertise the show, then I'll do it for them.
