Welcome to my diary. Be warned that nothing here is accompanied by a trigger warning. It is the unfiltered talking space of someone who, in a word, "is fucked up". This isn't a happy or relaxing page! Proceed only if your curiosity outweighs any discomfort with dark topics.
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1.1.2023
Lyric of the Day: They say these are the golden years / But I wish I could disappear / Ego-crush is so severe / God, it's brutal out here
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Happy New Year!! To celebrate, I wrote a 2022 retrospective. I felt like I hadn't done much this year until I had written all of it down. It just reinforced the idea that maybe I should be nicer to myself. (I always worry about being too nice, though...)
I gave my boyfriend a smooch at midnight! (Over Discord... Sigh. Long distance.)
I started finally playing Pokemon Violet yesterday too! As expected, the game is very, very ugly and very, very buggy, but, alas, very, very fun.
I also got Domino's pizza! I ate it over 2 days, as well as the brownies! Which is more exciting than it probably should be to me. (I like Domino's...)
Tomorrow, after taking a break from commissions for the holidays, I have to get to work on this one last design. I don't really wanna... But the guy already paid, and has been so nice to boot. Not his fault I'm having design burnout. Plus, it's a good reason to practice some of the ways I've read to shake off art block, like changing up what I listen to or my methodology. (Ironically, journaling is said to help with art block.)
1.4.2023
Lyric of the Day: Can you tell I'm really sorry? / Let's just go home
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On the second of this month, I added a lot of stuff to my digital grimoire after not adding to it for a while. Namely, I added information about crystals (how to charge them and a list of crystals and their associations), salts, and finally added in some stuff about proper spellwork (instructions on how to create a spell, as well as a list of spells). It felt really, really good to add to. It always feels good to write down things I'm learning about and researching. It's the same productive feeling as when I was in school, except there's none of the aspects that made school an awful hellplace. Plus, it's about stuff I actually have interest in knowing!
My digital grimoire is all I have in terms of witchcraft, though. I've never put any of it to practice, except for a few handfuls of times. An attempt at warding, one or maybe two attempts at a protection spell... I've used a sigil once, and it was a protection sigil for my old grimoire; a physical one. Unsure if it worked, because my mom did eventually find it. I lied through my teeth and told her it was research for a fictional character I was making, but she took it away anyway, saying, "That's how this sort of thing starts!" So, all those notes that I took are gone now. But at least I've gotten the feeling for how accepting my parents would be if I told them my new religious affiliations! (They would not be.) Once I'm out of this house, I'll probably feel secure enough to actually dabble in the craft. Collect some jars and stuff. But, for now, learning about it is enough for me.
I also started a private sideblog on tumblr for keeping diary prompts, since I don't do much on the daily and would need other things to talk about. And, searching journaling tags on tumblr... WOW, people's stuff is pretty. I just wanted writing prompts, but there's all sorts of aesthetic pictures of people's adorable diary pages and bullet journal layouts, with Polaroids and washi tape and stuff.
A notable amount of suggested things to keep in a diary, I noticed, are just also on this website elsewhere. Quotes I like, movies and shows I've watched, favorite songs, an original story, 'shrine' pages dedicated to your interests...
Maybe this whole website could count as a diary.
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I also learned about this thing called "shadow work" while looking in the journaling tags. From what I understand, shadow work is like addressing your "shadow self". (Hello, Shadow Link of Four Swords manga fame.) Your shadow self is the side of you that you bury deep down and try to avoid / ignore. Your unconscious mind, I guess. From what I gather, it's a way of sort of addressing trauma and negative emotions, and uncovering the repressed parts of yourself. Aside from the cheesy name, it's kind of interesting. I may take some of the shadow work prompts in the future, as well.
I also downloaded an app to keep a dream diary, after thinking about it for a while. It's much less long-form than this one; bullet point-style recollection of dreams. I'm not putting it onto this website (and even made sure to get an app that had a passcode on it) because the amount of sexual content in my dreams is... Very embarrassing. (Hypersexuality moment.) I'm not about to expose myself like that.
Also, I found out that I got a 4.0 last college semester! Pretty cool. I didn't even cheat as much this semester. (It's always baffling to me, though, how I can end up getting such high grades after feeling like I struggled the whole time.)
1.8.2023
Lyric of the Day: You're the only friend I need / Sharing beds like little kids / And laughing 'til our ribs get tough / But that will never be enough
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The Sweet vs Spicy vs Sour Splatfest just ended a few hours ago. I was Team Sweet, and I didn't have time to get to Ruler (I was like, 700/900 which was annoying), but Team Sweet did win so that's awesome! First time that Frye's team has won a Splatfest and it was utterly deserved! Victory is sweet, as they say.
Development on the visual novel is going smoothly! I've finalized one of two of the characters' design, and I'm currently working on the reference sheet to finalize the second one. I've sketched out and gotten a UI concept approved, and I love the music that our composer has come up with so far! It gives PMD2 vibes, which is great because I love that game's music. I also think that the script may only need one or two more drafts before completion, which is also excellent news! It really feels like the game is taking shape, and I'm not as worried about it falling through anymore. I'm really excited and I've grown very attached to the project. It's so much fun! Gah!
1.9.2023
Lyric of the Day: We didn't go to school in fairy tales / We went to school in all the gory details of a horror story
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I got my schedule for my next semester of college today. My mom's the one who picks out the class times for me, and, even though she says she did her best to get all classes past 10am, my biology classes on Tuesday and Thursday both happen at 9:30am, which sucks ass. The number one piece of advice I got from former college students was, "Don't get a class before 10am, or you'll hate yourself." It's just 30 minutes before, but still, it's very frustrating when all my classes last semester were comparatively great in terms of timing; with my earliest class starting at 11am, and that only happening once a week. This semester is not off to a good start at all.
On the bright side, at least my classes only take place Tuesday through Thursday. That means I get a 4-day weekend every weekend, basically! And from what I understand, Wednesday is just a short lab for biology, which means Tuesday and Thursday are my only 'busy' days out of a week.
By the way, why is getting Google Docs to read your shit aloud so hard?? I own a Macbook, and apparently Google Docs just decided that all disabled people with Macbooks can go fuck themselves. I spent, like, 30+ minutes trying to figure out a way to get someplace to read my writing out loud! It's such a pain. If the Macbook thing is such a known issue, shouldn't they have fixed it by now? Jeez.
Anyhow... Today, I saw a "make your current self vs your past self in this Picrew" trend on Twitter, and it made me reflect on my middle school self. I was such a sad fucking kid, man. Misc traumatic things happening around that time, dealing with bullying and undiagnosed autism, and I hadn't found any depression meds that worked for me. Constantly wearing my blue dysphroia hoodie that I didn't realize was a dysphoria hoodie. Just completely fucking miserable. It was around this time that I attempted suicide multiple times, and nearly succeeded once...
I dunno. Life's still tough, and I'm scared a lot of the time. I still feel echoes of the little kid I used to be. But I'm really glad that I'm not in that place anymore. I don't know if I'd say that I'm glad that I survived it, exactly... But I'm glad that, at least, I managed to escape that overwhelming, sickening pain; through survival or through taking my own life, either way, I'm free from that hurt. And I can take a small sigh of relief for that.
1.9.2023
Lyric of the Day: Is it enough to look through the mind and / Visualize a masterful design?
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For today, I wanted to share some art that I love or that means a lot to me. I decided to not include fanart, because, if I did, I'd likely be adding an impossibly high amount. This is all just original artwork from other people. Plus, some commentary on why that piece is here!
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Basically all art by GinjaNinjaOwO
I might-as well get the entry that's basically just cheating out of the way. But if I could steal one person's art style, it would undoubtably be June's. Their art has been an inspiration to me and my art journey for years now! It would almost feel disingenuous to not include them in a collection of art that means a lot to me! I've had a handful of people tell me that they can see their influence on my work, which makes me really, really happy. I, admittedly, take more inspiration from their older works with more muted colors, though.
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by @feefal
This is also in here from an 'art inspiration' standpoint. I adore absolutely everything about this piece. I actually practice trying to make my oceans look like this quite often.
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by @jxthics
This piece is by a trans man from Texas who, after hearing about the transphobic legislature being put through congress in his home state, created this piece set in a bluebonnet field (the state flower of Texas). Of course, as a trans person from Texas, this art has always stuck with me, and I think about it quite often. I would make it my computer background if I wouldn't get in trouble for the ~ female-presenting nipples ~.
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by @sixgilled
Religious trauma moment for me, but you cannot look me in the eye and tell me that the phrase 'disfigure the face of Man and Woman' in a transgender context DOESN'T go hard as fuck.
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by @razzberryfunhouse
This art is created by the same mutual who created the little side-icon for this page! This piece is so funky, and really does make me feel happy to be trans.
1.16.2023
Lyric of the Day: "Not a devil, not a devil!" / So sayeth the devil / Oh no, I'm dead, I'm gone / Like don't we all want to be loved?
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The lyrics for today are from the recently-released DECO*27 and PinocchioP collaboration song, "(Not) A Devil"! Two of my absolute favorite Vocaloid producers, writing a collaboration WITH ANGEL AND DEMON THEMES?? It feels like a gift for ME, specifically. And it's such a great song, to boot! I'm been jamming to it nonstop since its release. SUCH a great song.
In other news, college officially begins tomorrow, which is very stressful and anxiety-inducing. I hate changes in schedule. Once I've settled into it and I've memorized where to go, I'm your guy. Completely fine! But when the schedule changes, and I haven't learned what to expect from each teacher and class? Complete shutdown. As useless as a turtle on its back. The first week of a new semester of college or any new year of school is always the worst one, except for possibly finals week.
I remember the first time I was introduced to this problem of mine. Pre-autism diagnosis, in elementary, we would sometimes have themed "days" where we take a break from our classes and instead do something fun, like for Christmas. Every year, we had art day, where we could go all over the school and do all sorts of fun little art activities. My artistic self was always so excited for art day, and the classes themselves were great, but I always felt overwhelmed in a way I couldn't articulate. I felt I couldn't voice this, because I was an artsy person and I had to have no problems with art day.
So, at one point, I got lost in between classes and ended up sitting on the floor in the middle of the hallway, and hiding my face in my knees, backed against the wall. In retrospect, an autistic meltdown. The principal happened to be around, and he (or she? I don't remember, I'm going with 'he'), while talking to me and attempting to comfort me, asked me if I got upset by a change in routine. I'm impressed by him in retrospect; putting into words what I, myself, couldn't as an autistic youth. I don't remember my response, really, or what happened after that. But I remember it being a big '... oh' moment for me, putting this feeling I had into words.
Back to college, though... On the bright side, I suppose, I can finally wear all the super-cute clothes I got for Christmas out. Including my adorable sakura-themed cardigan! I think that maybe (even if it's early in the morning), if I dress up cute, put on my binder and perfume, and make myself look good, that sort of self-care will make me more able to go to college, despite the extreme changes to the schedule. Here's hoping.
1.20.2023
Lyric of the Day: But you drag me through the mud, here I come now, I'm petty as fuck / (I'm petty as fuck)
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So. College.
For my American Literature class, I got my same teacher as my English teacher last year! Which rules! I really like her. My biology class, which I go to 3 times a week... That teacher is... Old, calls everyone 'Ms.' and 'Mr.', says that her and her students have a 'professional relationship' (before later referring to her, quote, "velupuous tatas" with a wink), gives no work online, and made a pedophilia joke on the first day. So... Yeah.
I have never hated a teacher on the first day faster. There was Coach Arnold, but I hated him because he hated me. On the first day, I thought he was cool as fuck. Another teacher I hated, I didn't mind on the first day. But this one... Dear Lord. I asked mom, and the only other biology class starts at fucking 7:30 am (as opposed to this one being at 9:30 am), and there are NO other biology classes with ANY other teachers, and this is REQUIRED for my fucking degree. Sure. Great. I love it here.
As for my Speech class... I do not know. I did not go. Even though it's the first week of college, I was too fucking sleepy to get up after a night of very light, on-and-off sleep due to anxiety. The day of the classes, though, I managed to quell it by using the methods taught by Adventures with Anxiety. I thought, "Okay, where does this anxiety come from? It is coming from the fear that going to school will get in the way of my mental needs. I will be bored and I dislike my new teacher. I have ADHD, so boredom can be extremely painful." And then, I went onto rationalize with that. "I'll only be bored for the length of the class. If I sit in the back, I can check my phone sometimes, and I've taken my attention medicine. Speech class itself will probably be good, too. Better than anything like math or biology."
Even still, I skipped that day, though. Too fucking eepy.
Both For the Future and all of season 4 of LEGO Monkie Kid got released!!! (Well, For the Future's entire episode got leaked. It technically officially releases tomorrow. But I watched it early, obviously. Can you blame me?) And the difference between my reaction to the two was astounding. I came into For the Future distrustingly, and still came out disappointed. I go into all new Owl House episodes with an attitude of, "Well, let's see how they fuck up a character's arc this time." I had been watching new Owl House content for a while now, so much that I had geniunely forgotten how it felt to be happy and excited when new content for a special interest came out until LEGO Monkie Kid season 4. I was so excited the entire time I was watching it; gushing with my boyfriend over everything, adoring every twist and plot thread. Of course, my enjoyment was hindered because it was all released in Chinese, and I watched it before the fansubs could start to come out, so I couldn't understand a word that was said, but oh my GOD! I fucking love Monkie Kid, dude, it's such an amazing fucking show. I love loving my favorite media. God.
I also went through the interactive zine, 'EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK', per the recommendation of Nephro. It was a really amazing piece on trauma, and I added a lot of quotes from it to my quotes page. It's so brutally honest and raw, and I loved it, but I also am never gonna go through it again, I think. It really affected me emotionally. Which isn't to its detriment; it just meant that it was very effective. I just think that I don't think I'll be doing it again unless, maybe, I need a good cry.
I made a shrine on this website for my Pokemon plushies! When I was around 14, my mom made me donate a lot of my plushie collection, which I'm still quite bitter about. I used to have a bigger plushie collection, including Pokemon plushies.
One of my main memories involving Pokemon plushies, though, is when I was little and I went to a carnival, I saw one of the prizes was a Pikachu and I spent all my tokens trying to win it, but couldn't. So I was crying while I walked with my mom, and these two teenage girls came up and asked, 'What's wrong?' And my mom told them the issue, and they just replied, 'Oh, we're not going to use these tickets. Do you want them so you can just buy the Pikachu with them?' My tears cleared up immediately and I was so excited. I don't remember what I said to them at the time, but I remember telling my mom, "I hope they get on the good list for Christmas," which was very dorky of me to say because this was in the middle of summer, but I think I was just trying to articulate that I was really grateful and wanted good karma to come their way. It's a very sweet memory. It reminds me of the inherent kindness of people. I'm sure those girls don't even remember this, but it meant the world to me.
1.25.2023
Lyric of the Day: All the people that I know / In the apartments down below / Busy with their starring roles / In their own tragedies
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Buckle in, because I have a LOT of thoughts and things to talk about today. (I've obtained this sort of attitude recently where, whenever I see something that bugs me, I think, "Just WAIT until my diary hears about THIS." It's like gossiping, but to myself.)
So, do you remember how I talked about Biology class? Most hateable teacher I've ever had, I have to get up super early for it, I despise it so much? Well, yesterday, I found out that 1) lab wasn't on Wednesday, like I had scheduled, as the teacher insisted that it was even EARLIER Tuesday morning (7:30 am), and, 2), I wasn't even on the registry for that class! Turns out, the Biology class that I signed up for got cancelled. And it just so happened that the class that I signed up for which got cancelled happened at the same time and place as this other Biology class that I DIDN'T sign up for. Which is such a mixed bag.
On one hand, I was so confused when I found out I just curled up in the hallway and cried. Then I tried to contact my mom, and she was really pissy for some reason and kept snapping at me... Girl, do you think I WANTED for this to happen?! (I guess I called her when she was in a bad mood.) Plus, if a class that I had signed up to and had PAYED FOR was cancelled, you'd think that, at the VERY least, someone would have shot me a fucking EMAIL, right?! But no, they just left me out to drown. Very fucking cool. Thanks.
On the other... I got to sign up for Growth and Development Psychology, which I am, like, ACTUALLY interested in, and that got to replace the class that I fucking hated with the teacher that I fucking hated. I also have a whole new weekday freed up (Wednesday), and I can now get up a lot later, since my other classes all happened after Biology (with American Lit at 12:30pm, and Speech at 11am).
But still. The school could've shot me a message of some kind. Jesus.
I recently started watching Kanon, as well. I'm not very far into it, and I, admittedly, started watching it after watching a video basically spoiling the whole thing, but, hey, I find that spoilers don't usually hinder my emotional response to media like this.
Also, a transbian kitty therian hacker leaked the FBI's no-fly list.
Yeah. And it was posted on the indie web, too. Its website also links to its Wikipedia page, which states that in 2021, the U.S. government issued and international arrest and extradition warrant for her previous hacks. From what I've learned, she's a hacktivist, and it has cited anarchism, anti-capitalism, and its opposition to the concept of intellectual property as motives for its cyberterrorism.
And, in the blog post where it talked about hacking into the no-fly list, it was announced by saying, quote, "Holy shit, we actually have the nofly list. Holy fucking bingle. What?! :3", followed by an image of Maia holding up a Sprigatito plushie in front of its computer.
My pronouns include she, but not her. Because I'll never be her.
But, of course, fucking Twitter users are getting mad at this based hacktivist catgirl who has actually done some real, tangible good and amazing things. And you will never guess why.
Fucking.
Bi lesbian fucking discourse.
I swear to God, the next time that I read the phrase 'bi lesbian', I am going to shoot my brains out. Ever since leftist Twitter found out that it's a bi lesbian, they've been SCRAMBLING to find a justification for why it hacking and leaking the list is Harmful to People of Color, and/or is anti-communist (when, in reality, they had all ADMITTED that they just find her mildly cringy and are only mad at her for being a bi lesbian). And this whole fucking... Insane discourse has COMPLETELY overshadowed anything about the no-fly list, and why she did what she did!! It's being completely buried under all of these people trying so, so hard to prove that she's doing Real Harm, actually. These fucking Twitter discourse-poisoned FUCKWADS aren't talking about organizing, what the list means, or what to do next; they're actively SABOTAGING (and will CONTINUE to sabotage!) any meaningful conversation or work, and are willing to betray ANY activist the second that they say something regarding fucking queer discourse that they mildly disagree with. The fucking state of leftism online is that any ACTUAL good work gets highjacked by clowns who drown it in their fucking... DISCOURSE!!! THEIR STUPID FUCKING TERMINALLY-ONLINE FUCKING DISCOURSE!! They GENIUNELY feel JUSTIFIED in harming and impeding people and their real leftist work in the name of FUCKING LABEL DISCOURSE! GOD! They keep on talking about Maia doing fucking Real Harm, but if them BURYING the literal NO-FLY LIST being LEAKED underneath LABEL DISCOURSE isn't Real Harm, then fuck me running, I don't know what is!!
GOD. I HATE FUCKING LEFTIST DISCOURSE. FUCK. FUCK. I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN OPINION ON BI LESBIAN DISCOURSE, YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST SO FUCKING STUPID!!!
Anyway, my birthday is coming up soon, so that's exciting!
