Welcome to my diary. Be warned that nothing here is accompanied by a trigger warning. It is the unfiltered talking space of someone who, in a word, "is fucked up". This isn't a happy or relaxing page! Proceed only if your curiosity outweighs any discomfort with dark topics.
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10.8.2023
Lyric of the Day: Unfortunate / They say, such a shame I turned out this way / A maniac / Well yeah, I get manic when I cause a panic
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I'm still suicidal, but not as much as my previous entry, thankfully. I've settled back down, into the sense of vague misery and desire to not be alive that I had when I was a minor. Mostly thanks to Fionna and Cake (which I'll write about in-depth in a future entry, because I have a lot to say).
Quitting art class has helped a lot with managing stress, but I can't help but be paranoid that my parents are judging me. Especially my dad, because my mom has told me he's especially judgy about me even so much as missing a class.
I got the neurodiversity club's teacher in touch with my mom, and she luckily convinced her to let me go to the convention. I still haven't gotten the vaccine though. My mom is still getting in the way every chance she gets; she withheld my insurance card from me by avoiding the question until I directly confronted her about it. I can't get the vaccine before I go to the convention, because symptoms can last a long-ass time and I don't wanna feel sick at the event itself. Which is gonna suck for my paranoia...
I said I would talk about tumblr staff being fucking stupid, so, yeah, tumblr staff is being fucking stupid. Tumblr staff has allowed false flags of SFW posts made by transfem folks and taken away basic accessibility features. They've forced tumblr live onto the dashboard 24/7, taking away the ability to snooze it. What I meant when I wrote that was more about specific tumblr staff being fucking weird, though. Like @macmanx, who said that people leaving negative feedback is responsible for them being suicidal. Or @cyle being fucking an asshole in general (mocking people who one-star the app and praising people who give tumblr money, with a sarcastic 'excited to see how this plays out'). Plus a lot of the staff are still Harry Potters fans so.
Speaking of fandom. I've been thinking a lot about fandom as I get older lately. I always thought I'd grow out of it when I was a kid, but that was mainly because I saw people my age mocking those older than them with their interests. If you're still into fandom past 25, you're a loser. Don't you have a job? Go do your taxes. So on. But I am that 'fandom adult' now, and I didn't grow out of it as I thought I would. It doesn't seem like I will just be growing out of the passions I have always had, and, even if I would, that idea is sort of scary, if I'm being honest with myself.
I don't want for this joy to be mutually exclusive to the life of an adult. Is there a point in adulthood if it comes at the price of aging out of your passions and your hobbies? And, when I look at it realistically, it feels sort of silly. At what point do I suddenly stop being everything that I am, and become what I perceive to be 'an adult'? I know I'm eventually gonna become excited over stuff like vacuum cleaners; I've talked to enough adults to know that. But that doesn't mean I can't be excited about art, too.
I got so caught up in what my peers considered 'lame' that I fell right back into cringe culture, at my own detriment. But the more I think about and sort out my feelings, the more I can't wait to be older. I wanna get older and still have a fandom tattoo that looks shitty on my wrinkly skin. Getting older doesn't mean that I don't care about everything that I love now; the things important to me now will still be important to me so many years in the future. I won't age out of being myself. I will still always be me.
10.10.2023
Lyric of the Day: Don't speak / Unless you're spoken to / This whole room / Don't need to know you
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My mom and I just had a pretty big fight. It started as me just mentioning how she forgot about the rave I wanted to go to (it's coming to our state multiple times, so it's tentatively alright, the one she forgot was just the closest one), and I just wanted her to apologize for forgetting.
She had to look up the day that she had forgotten, and told me that was the day of my uncle's funeral. I was like, yes, but you forgot the rave that I was waiting on you to confirm you'd take me to. If you hadn't forgotten, you would've texted me to say I couldn't go to the rave. If my uncle's funeral hadn't been on that day, you still wouldn't have taken me.
At this point, my mom stopped texting me and made me talk to her face-to-face. She said that I was treating her like shit, which translates to, "you have a mildly frustrated tone in regards to me forgetting something so important to you, that you gave me ample time to look up and reminded me multiple times about". This escalated into her calling me selfish, saying that I didn't care about my uncle dying (the day she went to the funeral, I cried on and off all day, but because I didn't do it in front of her, it must not have happened, I guess), and that my uncle wanted to leave me a huge trust fund; like, life-changing and life-saving amounts of cash; but my mom REFUSED IT ON MY BEHALF and told them to GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. Mind, this wasn't a choice made while we were in the middle of the argument. She had made this choice while completely sound of mind, and was planning to keep it a secret forever, and admitted to bringing it up just to piss me off. She said 'sorry', but NOT for refusing the money on my behalf without telling me, but for TELLING ME that she did that at all. She NEVER planned to tell me this and was sorry she did.
I told her to fuck herself for that, and she was like, "Be more creative." Trust me, you don't want that. I've been in the Twitter mines. I WOULD tell you to kill yourself in one of various creative ways, but then I'd get yelled at even more, now, wouldn't I?
After that, we went back to texting, and she told me, "You don't care. You have never cared about him or (aunt)." As if she knows how I feel better than her. I told her at this point about me crying all day when she was at the funeral, and that all I wanted was an apology for her forgetting. Which, ONLY NOW, after me requesting MULTIPLE TIMES for an apology, she gives. Like oh DARLING. I think it's a LITTLE late to apologize for THAT now, after you told me I don't give a shit about my dead uncle because I didn't show my emotions in a way that you could see or understand, called me selfish, and revealed that you DENIED ME MONEY THAT COULD HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE BEHIND MY BACK?! (Is that even legal??? I'm an adult!!) Of course, my mom also helpfully decided to say that my brother, my cousin and I weren't eligible for the trust fund until after my aunt passed away... Like that matters when she had ALREADY TOLD THEM TO GIVE THE TRUST FUND TO SOMEONE ELSE.
FUCK. FUCK. I CANNOT STAND HER. FUCKKK.
10.16.2023
Lyric of the Day: So, when I die, which I must do / Could it shine down here with you?
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I have been avoiding talking to my mom as much as possible. I don't think she cares. Our relationship and our interactions are really strained lately. It's... Not good. Especially not with the seasonal depression and suicidal thoughts stacked on top of that.
Well, anyway. Today, I'm gonna get my ID (hopefully) (it's sort of a mess), so that I can fly and go to the club event tomorrow! It's gonna be my first time on a plane, and my first time going out of state, and my first time being without my family while away from home, too. So I'm anxious. But excited! But anxious.
I'm gonna pack later today, if all goes well. I have my suitcase and my carry-on. I'm probably not gonna be able to bring my weighted blanket, because of the weight limit, which is really sad. But I'll bring Lukie-puppy (my comfort plushie)! I've gotta pack clothes, obviously, and toothpaste and stuff. I need a portable charger for the plane ride, gum for ear popping, and sunglasses (which I already have). Plus masks, my phone, my 'puter, the charger for all of that stuff...
I'm the type to get really homesick when I'm away. And I'll only be away for around 3-4 days, and will be real busy, but still, it has me scared. BUT! It's all set in stone! So if I'm scared, I'm just gonna do it scared!
10.26.2023
Lyric of the Day: But it's coming down / No sound, it's all around / Like snow on the beach
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Well, I'm back from the trip! I have been for a while. Honestly, the whole thing was exhausting. I was kind of proud of myself, until I found out that the organizer (who was a teacher I respected) was looking down on me for not going to all of the meetings. I had to skip multiple meetings in order to recover my spoons, which I thought would be okay, because, you know... This whole event was done by a club revolving around disability. But apparently not. It felt like, even though I was doing my best, it wasn't enough, per usual.
My teacher had a talk with me when I told my mom that I was suicidal, and she told my teacher that I was having a hard time, where she tried to make me feel better, which worked. She actually got me thinking about being a research scientist someday, which she says that I am a natural for. The next day, though, one of the club members decided to take it upon herself to scold the whole club (despite only having an issue with one member, who she namedropped) for behaving poorly, like those post-field trip scoldings you'd get in elementary school, which made my anxiety worsen again.
In the meantime, I found out that I'm failing my biology class by A LOT. Which is really stressful. Turns out, the reviews were mandatory, which is annoying, because I've never had anything labeled as a "review" be non-optional, but whatever. I turned in all of the reviews for half-points, which should help my grade a lot, and all I can do is study (despite me being bad at studying). I don't want a failing grade, so if things start looking like I can't pass, I'll just drop the class. Which will really piss off my parents, but, hey.
As for good things: my KAngel figure came in!! She looks so great! I put her right next to Marina and Pearl on my computer desk. My favorite idol girls! I also have a figure of Bridget from Guilty Gear on the way!
